10 sex questions every woman should ask herself

This advice, from ob-gyn and pleasure guru Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., could
change your sex life—forever.

By Hilda Hutcherson, M.D.

I’m an ob-gyn who travels the country lecturing about sex—but believe it or
not, I haven’t always known how to enjoy my body. I had my first orgasm at 30, and now I consider it my job to make sure women don’t have to wait as long as I did. I got there by unlearning everything I’d been taught about sex.

I can remember being seven years old and hearing my mom spell “s-e-x” while
talking to a friend on the porch of our house in Alabama. From her hushed tone,
I knew she was talking about something very naughty. As I got older, I was told
to “keep your panties up and your dress down,” common advice for Southern girls.
(I was even instructed to scrub my “down there” quickly, lest I discover the pleasure that bathing could bring.) I dutifully saved my virginity for marriage
and didn’t like sex once I had it. I faked orgasms for years. I’d hear
friends talk about doing this or that in bed and looking forward to getting their partners naked and I’d wonder, What the heck is wrong with me?

Why I ever decided to become an ob-gyn I can’t tell you, but I’m so glad I
did—in part because it was my patients who helped snap me out of my pleasureless
fog. They asked me questions about sex, not just vaginas or babies. I remember
one patient asked, “Is anal sex safe?” My first thought was “That’s illegal in
Alabama!” but I gave the best answer I could. It became clear that I needed to
learn more about sexuality—for my patients and for me. I started by
reading everything I could get my hands on: sex therapy textbooks, magazine articles, sex manuals like The Joy of Sex. I’d seen plenty of other
women’s private parts, but never my own, so—yep—I grabbed a mirror and took a
look. When that first orgasm happened, it wasn’t some skilled loverboy who showed me how; it was me. As I got more comfortable with my body, I actually wanted to share it with someone else—and my next sexual experiences were, well, pretty damn fantastic. Today, I’ve been married for 20 years and have a fulfilling and adventurous sex life. Having made my own transformation from prude to sex expert, I want to help other women get the satisfaction they deserve. By the time you’ve finished this (very personal!) self-survey, your eyes will be open to what’s really going right, and wrong, for you in bed. May the rest be X-rated history.

1. What do I really think about sex?

We women are supposed to be so empowered these days—in command of our careers, our bank accounts and our sex lives. But if you grew up in a home that taught you sex was shameful, those old messages could be living on in your subconscious, mucking things up in the bedroom. They certainly did for me. To start tackling my sexual baggage, I made a list of all the negative messages I’d received about sex and then wrote positive ones next to them: “Only bad girls enjoy sex” became “Every girl deserves to enjoy sex.” Then, when one of those old thoughts entered my mind—in bed or out of it—I had a positive one ready to replace it with. It actually turned into a fun bedroom game that served a dual purpose: getting me over my hang-ups and getting me in the mood.

2. Do I know my parts as well as I do his?

A common lament I hear from women is “He can’t find my clitoris.” We expect
men to know where the sweet spot is, but can we give them much more than basic
directions? The pea-size tissue you see between the labia is the tip of the
iceberg—the full clitoris fans out deep into the pelvis. I often give couples a
lesson I call Clitoris 101. The basic premise? Don’t go straight for the “pea.”
It has so many nerve endings that stimulating it before you are fully aroused
can be uncomfortable. Instead, touching the labia and rim of the vagina and
putting pressure on the mound where hair grows first boosts blood flow
to the entire area, giving more pleasure and stronger orgasms. Ignoring all the
stuff around the “pea” is like touching just the head of a man’s penis. (What
man wouldn’t gently correct us if we tried that?)

3. What’s my express route to orgasm?

Where does it feel most natural to be touched? What speed or pressure works
best for you? Is there a go-to fantasy (oh, yes sir, Officer…) that
brings you to climax like clockwork? If you can’t rattle off the answers to
these questions, figure them out—knowing how to give yourself pleasure is key to
being able to enjoy yourself with someone else. One patient of mine found that
her best masturbation fantasy was a menage a trois with two men; another figured
out that touching herself felt best when she lay on her stomach. Once you know
exactly what gets you there, you can show your partner—or just let your mind
wander back to it when you need a little push over the edge.

4. Do I ever let him do all the work?

Hopefully, the answer is yes—you deserve to get as good as you give. But so
many women think their partner’s pleasure is more important than their own. One
patient told me she’d read everything written about fellatio, and even
when her partner was trying to please her, she was distracted, thinking about
what tricks she’d use on him next. Enough’s enough. You know how satisfied it makes you feel when you give your partner a really good time? He’ll feel the same way if you lie back and let him do it for you.

5. Am I OK with my body?

The way you feel about your body directly and profoundly affects
your sexuality. One woman I treated had always had a satisfying sex life—until
she had a baby. Then she felt fat, hated the new shape of her breasts and missed
her prebaby abs. And when her husband touched her in those vulnerable places,
she’d push his hands away. Eventually, she started avoiding sex altogether. It
may sound corny, but I told her to buy a journal and record in it one positive
thing about her body every day. When a month had passed and she hadn’t run out
of things to write, she finally accepted the truth: Her body was worth appreciating, and satisfying, just as it was. (Exercise helps too— it produces chemicals that can actually ramp up sex drive and arousal.)

6. Do I have sex for the right reasons?

I’ve handed my office Kleenex box to too many women who felt empty, sad or
lonely after a sexual experience. Bad sex with someone you love is one thing—sex
that makes you feel bad about yourself is another thing altogether. The latter
almost always happens when the circumstances that got you into bed in
the first place are overly complicated. Take a minute to remember the last few
times you had sex and why you did it—and then, this is key, think about the
quality of the sex in each of those cases. Great reasons to have sex: You want
to connect; you’re making up after a fight; it’s a celebration (wedding night,
anniversary); you’re making a baby; you’re horny, pure and simple. Not-so-great
reasons to have sex: You want him to stay the night; you want to avoid a fight;
you want someone to love you; you’re afraid he’ll leave you if you don’t. Think
about it. Sex is always better and more deeply satisfying when your motivation
for doing it is simple and healthy.

7. Can I rank my top five touch-me zones?

For a truly fulfilling sex life, a woman needs to discover the pleasure spots
that aren’t covered by her undies. One of my patients found that nipple stimulation alone could bring her to orgasm. Another found a soft, sensitive point on the backs of her knees that made her crazy. I’ve got a spot behind my right ear that makes my toes curl. Your assignment: Start exploring on your own, with a feather, a vibrator, your hands, whatever, and find your top five most touchable spots. You’ve got to come up with at least five. Then show them to your partner so he can push your buttons better.

8. Do I have “vagina anxiety”?

I’ve lost track of how many patients have come into my office anxious about
the size or length of their labia, or the way they smell or taste. In fact, one
of the most common questions I get is “Am I normal down there?” As 1970s as it
sounds, I recommend using a mirror to have a peek, like I did. Otherwise, just
take my word for it: Unless you’re fighting chronic infections or have labia so
large that it hurts to wear underwear, you are normal. And whether you agree or
not, men think we’re pretty darn good-looking down there—I hear it from my patients’ husbands and boyfriends all the time. Still, no matter what men think, you need to learn to like your sexual parts. If that means blowing this month’s shoe budget on a Brazilian wax, fine—whatever works for you. Me? I go for gorgeous underwear. There’s nothing like wearing La Perla to make me want to take off my La Perla.

9. What does my face look like five minutes after sex?

Get up and look at yourself in the bathroom mirror after sex. Are you flushed, spacey-looking, smiling? Or are you frowning a little, furrowing your brow, distracted? Sometimes we need to ask our bodies, not our brains, if we like sex—the mind can justify so-so experiences, but your face in the mirror at 2 A.M. can’t lie. And if you don’t like what you see? Climb back into bed and get yourself some sleep already! You can wait till morning to ask yourself question number 10, which might well change everything….

10. Have I told him 90 percent* of this stuff?

(*The other 10 percent can stay between you and your Sevens.) When it comes
to talking to your partner, my advice is simple: Tell him what makes you the
crazy-wonderful sexual being you are, and ask him to give your crazy-wonderful
naked body exactly what it needs. You request exactly what you crave from waiters all the time—salad instead of fries, fizzy water, extra sauce—so why not do the same with your lover? Believe me, he’ll give you what you want—you’re a big tipper!

Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., is an ob-gyn in New York City, a clinical professor
of obstetrics and gynecology at Columbia University and author of Pleasure:
A Woman’s Guide to Getting the Sex You Want, Need, and Deserve. She writes
a monthly sexual health column for Glamour and a daily column on glamour.com.

"Believe What You See, Not What You Hear!"

Quickies

4 Reasons Quickies Are the Best Kind of Sex

by Tracey Cox (Author)

Not everyone has the luxury of an hour to devote to sex every day, or even every week.
But 15 minutes? Now that we can handle! In this excerpt from her book Quickies, iVillage sex expert Tracey Cox explains why quick sex is the best sex to...

...Perfect Your Hand Job

The humble hand job comes into its own -- literally -- during sex in public places. Apart from kissing, using your hands is the lowest-risk sexual activity -- and since it's how lots of us masturbate, the genitals respond nicely to the right type of touch. "Right" usually means she should do it harder and he should go softer (it's what each sex is most used to). Not much time? Go for a superfast orgasm for her by positioning her (sitting or standing) in front of you. Rest one palm on the top of her pubic bone and press down firmly, pushing forward, pulling back or moving in circles. Next, insert (well-lubricated) fingers: one inside her vagina, the other in her anus. It's a three-way she won't mind you suggesting -- or repeating. Blow him away (in all senses) by trying this technique: Twist your hands in opposite directions as you move up and down (one clockwise, one counterclockwise) or make two fists around his penis, hold them centrally, then move one downward and the other upward. Use one-word questions to ask for feedback (harder? faster?) so he only has to answer yes or no. Keep the rhythm constant, building up to a fast speed, then slow it down dramatically before moving back up again. Repeat several times, letting him hover on the brink, before tipping him over with a decided flourish.

...Rediscover Kissing

Romance isn't hijacked by time. A 30-second meeting of mouths is all it takes to turn a quickie into sweet, tender lovemaking. Kissing is the first thing to go in a long-term relationship: Resurrect it and you'll save more than just your sex life. But it's not just dulled passion or overfamiliarity that stops some couples from puckering up. If you actually don't like the way your partner kisses, you'll be more than happy to plunk it in the "things we used to do, but what long-term couple still does?" basket. There's a simple but effective game you can try to fix this. It's called "kisses around the world," and it's best suggested when you're both a little giggly and buzzed and snuggling up after a great night out. Give your partner a little peck, then say "I wonder if people kiss differently around the world? I wonder how Eskimos really kiss. Probably like this..." Then proceed to kiss like an Eskimo, rubbing noses with him. He'll laugh, so it's easy enough from there to say "What about Italians, I think they'd kiss like this..." before you launch into that one. "How would a French person kiss?" you ask playfully, letting him in on the game. From there it's simply a case of saying "God, that French/Italian/Swedish kiss was hot. Can you do it again?" The next time he kisses you, whisper, "Do it Italian style" and voila! You've transformed an abysmal kisser into a great one -- with no one's feelings hurt in the process! If you can't reach each other's lips during certain quickie positions, bite, kiss or lick the body part closest to you. The more aroused we are, the more dulled our pain receptors -- the reason why a nip on the neck feels erotic during sex but just hurts the rest of the time.

...Up Your Portfolio

The average couple alternates between the same three to four positions each time they have intercourse, despite there being more than 600 documented positions to choose from. Before you nominate yourselves for Sad Couple of the Year by fitting right into this category, seek refuge in the fact that virtually all are variants of five basic positions anyway. Besides, certain positions suit certain situations -- and moods. Tackling that upside-down one that makes the blood whoosh straight to your head could be just the thing when you're feeling energized and adventurous. Not so appealing when you've got a thumping headache and have just worked a 12-hour day. Quickies provide a great way to try out new, more difficult positions so you can expand your position portfolio. If you don't have to stay at it for long, you're much more likely to attempt something more challenging! Too tired to do anything but missionary? Spice up an old favorite by adding a twist: During intercourse, try mirroring your mouth action to his thrusting, so your tongues are imitating the action of his penis. Once you've mirrored the thrusting speed, you can slow him down or speed him up as you please by simply altering your tongue speed. He'll subconsciously try to keep pace.

...Make the Most of Her on Top

Given that thrusting is usually his job, some women aren't confident masters of the old in-and-out and struggle using just their thigh muscles. Again, far less threatening if she knows it's just a quickie and she's not in it for the long haul; it's much more likely she'll give it the old college try. Next time, get her to make like a frog and squat so her feet are on the floor -- it allows much more leverage. Switch her over so she's on top when she's feeling body-proud, horny as hell and in the mood to be boss. If she needs further convincing tell her this: Rear-entry or any position where she's sitting or squatting over you works best to stimulate a patch of supersensitive skin about two-thirds of the way up from the vaginal entrance on the front wall of the vagina. Nicknamed the "A" spot, it's way up there and hard to reach with fingers, but deep penetration positions sometimes do the trick. Once she's had her (first) orgasm, switch back into missionary. It's got a goody-goody, prissy reputation, but there's a reason why most of us use it a lot of the time: There's full body and eye contact and you can touch faces and hold hands. An intimate ending to a lusty start. Slide a pillow under her hips to turn predictable into predictably pleasurable.

Missed one of Tracey's columns? Read them all here. Check out Tracey's Love Bytes video series here.

Check out her other books.

♥ Special Thanks to iVillage.com

"Believe What You See, Not What You Hear!"